[No.218/have a strong faith]
When all the Jews were put in front of the crisis of extinction, Esther’s first answer to the king’s request of Mordecai, was answer ‘No’ to save the Jewish people. He, himself, has the reason to be killed for the first. But for this occasion, Mordecai’s word, whether Esther is in the position of the queen, open Esther’s hidden eyes and heart. Realizing her value of existence and mission in front of God, Esther decides “If I die, I will die.” and stands in the position of a middle-class person. It is the decision of the heart to achieve the will of God, and the belief that leaves everything to God, not my power, but God trusts 100%.
A semester before graduation from the seminary, things like the big attacks of Haman came to me. I was told that my mother was in an emergency. The next day, I told her to leave school and to come to take care of her. My heart sank down. Immediately I should leave at dawn. I thought about it and recognized the plane ticket, and kneeled down in prayer to My God Father.
The Lord gave me the heart that ‘My mother leaves me and you go the path of your mission.
It was difficult, but I decided to trust the Lord in any situation and follow the will of “If I die, I will die.” Shortly afterwards, urgent came that my father had entered the emergency room. And the death of my father… There was nothing that he could do. Attacking wherever from here or there …
In the midst of a crisis that was blowing in a frenzy, I asked my acquaintance to pray, and I also stayed in front of God and prayed. But nothing had changed. Nothing had been solved and nothing had been renewed. I prayed, but you heard. Should we just go this way? No, you don’t listen to my prayers. What can I do? I went before God, but I became more and more resigned than expected.
But in retrospect, I realized that in the face of a great crisis, my prayer was not entirely a prayer that trusted God. First, like Esther, who responded in front of Mordecai, I did not just lie down before God, but I found the solution together with the help of others. I also found that I went to God with my thoughts and plans. I also felt sorry that this happened because each person had not played their role properly through difficult things.
So I thought that it was not my responsibility, and even I felt that God did not give me ability and could not do it. I made myself realize through the words and repented. As Esther had Mordecai, the Lord opened the eyes and hearts that were hidden to see my true appearance through numerous passages that could receive grace, such as gospel schools, speech prayers, meditation meetings, and prayer meetings.
I decided to compromise with my method and will and to return by attitude that had been before
God with both hearts. I stand before God with the determination that ‘If I die, I will die.’, not only hope for God, trust, and seek God’s will without seeking my benefit. I believe in God who cannot do it with my own power through prayer and pray and decide to stand as an intermediate ceramic like Esther! [Gospel Prayer Newspaper]
Kim Jun Hee
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