A memo and a pen in the pencil case… I melt into tears.

In order to be trained for belief, I entered a training center. This month, the Lord taught me “How needs are fulfilled for people of God.” While I grow up under my parents who are missionaries, I watched how God miraculously filled our needs in our family when we pray. One day, all the received toilet papers were gone. When I opened my eyes in the morning, I checked all the places where I might find toilet paper such as a flowing box (a sharing and donating box), a cabinet, etc. where God would provide it. However, I had to borrow toilet paper from another person, and I made an excuse saying that the toilet paper was provided from that person.

However, God made me unable to make an excuse by sending toilet paper which was found in the flowing box by somebody every morning for two days. I felt like the toilet paper shouting “You the person who without any belief! You take the Lord as one who cannot give one roll of toilet paper!” I felt like naked without any belief. I repented in a prayer room, crying loudly while reading chapter 1 in Genesis in the Bible. ‘How much have I treated God as a god in an abstract concept?’ I could not help but acknowledge that I have treated God as God of my parents who provides to them but not as God of my own.

One time, I put my used writing supplies in the flowing box. I thought “since I have put this much, God would give me a ball pen lead of the brand that I want to have” which was the disguised obedience from own idle thought. However, the Lord lighted the center of my mind which was cunningly concealed, wishing a thing that I wanted to have, and he made me to repent. God’s been completely destroyed my expectations for myself at all.

I who experienced such a wait for belief made another embarrassing mistake later. While passing by the flowing box, I saw a yellow color ball pen and used it for writing a lecture program, in a fit of anger.

“Lord, it is you, right?”

“Ha-Ram, I did not tell you that I will give you a yellow ball pen! Do not change my promise! I will give the very ball pen lead to you.”

While repenting that I am the sinner without belief, I returned the pen that I had brought with me. The time for waiting with prayer continued.

About three weeks had passed. I prayed that “Lord, please allow me to have that lead.” And I opened my pencil case, and one new ball pen entered my eyes with a memo saying “LD!” (The Lord did it!). I melt into tears. Even though that was not the ball pen lead that I wanted, I could feel that the pen was from the Lord. What I earned after the long wait was not the ball pen, but it was the Lord who provides to me, who is my good Father. I will follow the way joyfully on which God closely teaches me how to live as a God’s person.

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